Any relationship goes through periods of disagreement and disenchantment. In contrast, a bad relationship is one that involves continual frustration. The relationship seems to have potential, but that potential is always just out of reach. Sometimes your attachment is to someone who is "unattainable" in the sense that he or she is committed to someone else, doesn't want a committed relationship, or is incapable of a committed relationship. Bad relationships are chronically lacking in what one or both partners need. These relationships can destroy your self-esteem and prevent you from accomplishing personal and academic goals. You may frequently feel loneliness, rage, or despair. In bad relationships the two partners are often on such different wave lengths that there is little real communication and little enjoyment.

Remaining in a bad relationship not only causes continual stress but may even be physically harmful. An obvious harm is the physical abuse that is sometimes a part of these relationships. In a less obvious way, the tension caused by the constant stress can drain your energy and lower your resistance to physical illness. Continuing in a destructive relationship can lead to unhealthy escapes such as alcohol or drug abuse.

By staying in an unhealthy relationship you are robbed of several essential freedoms: the freedom to be your best and grow toward your goals, the freedom to love the other person through choice rather than through dependency, and the freedom to leave a situation that is destructive to you.

I am going to give you a list of several signs of a relationship addiction. Consider whether they apply to you.

• Even though you know the relationship is bad for you, you take no effective steps to end it.
• You keep telling yourself reasons for staying in the relationship, but these are not really accurate, or the reasons are not strong enough to counteract the harmful aspects of the relationship.
• When you think about ending the relationship, you feel terrible anxiety and fear which makes you cling to it even more.
• When you take steps to end the relationship, you suffer painful withdrawal symptoms, including actual physical discomfort, that is only relieved by reestablishing contact.

If most of these signs apply to you, you are probably in an addictive relationship and have lost the capacity to direct your own life. Some people use the term co-dependency when talking about these relationships.

If you feel so much pain and anguish in this type of relationship, you rationally know the relationship is bad for you. One part of you wants out but a seemingly stronger part refuses or feels helpless to take any action. There are several factors that can influence your decision to remain in a bad relationship. At one level are practical considerations such as financial entanglement, shared living quarters, potential impact on children, feared disapproval from others, and possible disruption in academic plans.

At a deeper level are the beliefs you hold about relationships in general, about this specific relationship, and about yourself. These beliefs may take the form of learned messages such as "Love is forever," "You are a failure if you end a relationship," "Being alone is terrible," and "You should never hurt anyone." Also relevant are beliefs about yourself such as "I'll never find anyone else," "I'm not attractive or interesting enough," "If I work hard enough I should be able to save this relationship," or "Anything is better than being alone."

At the deepest level are unconscious feelings which can keep you stuck. These feelings develop early in childhood, often operate without your awareness, and can exert considerable influence on your life. Children need to be loved, nurtured, and encouraged in their independence. To the extent that parents are successful in doing this, their children will be able to feel secure as adults in moving in and out of relationships. To the extent that these needs are not met their children may be left feeling "needy" as adults and may thus be more vulnerable to dependent relationships.

Robin Norwood, in her book "Women Who Love Too Much" outlines steps to take to overcome a relationship addiction. While this book is directed toward women, its principles are equally valid for men. What follows are ideas, some of which are from her book, on how to end an addictive relationship.

• Make getting out of the relationship your top priority for the time being, and enlist your friends' help to meet this goal.
• Become selfish in a healthy way by focusing on getting your own needs met more effectively.
• Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings as well as the problems and shortcomings of the other person.
• Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself. Fill in and work on the gaps that have made you feel undeserving or bad about yourself.
• Learn to stop managing and controlling others. By being more focused on your own needs, you will no longer need to seek security by trying to make other change.
• Develop your spiritual side by finding out what brings you peace and serenity. Commit some time every day to this endeavor.
• Learn not to get hooked into the games of your relationships.
• Avoid the dangerous roles you tend to fall into, such as the rescuer or helper, the persecutor or blamer, and the victim or helpless one. You probably have played all of these roles at one time or another in the relationship.
• Find a support group of friends who understand.
• Share with others what you have experienced and learned, and
• Consider getting professional help.

Remember that it is hard to end a relationship even when you know it is not a healthy relationship. Professional counseling may be called for when any of the following circumstances exist:

• When you are very unhappy in a relationship but are unsure of whether you should accept it as it is, make further efforts to improve it, or get out of it.
• When you have concluded that you should end a relationship, have tried to make yourself end it, but remain stuck.
• When you suspect that you are staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons, such as feelings of guilt or fear of being alone, and you have been unable to overcome the paralyzing effects of such feelings.
• When you recognize that you have a pattern of staying in bad relationships and you have not been able to change that pattern by yourself.
• When you have become depressed, are having mood swings, or if you are having thoughts of harming yourself or the other person in the relationship.

To move toward a healthier life free from a destructive relationship, you must first recognize that you are "hooked." Then to try to determine whether, in reality, whether the relationship can be improved, or whether you need to leave it. You may need the input from friends or professionals for this part, since being in an addictive relationship can cause you to lose your objectivity.

If you would like to talk to a professional counselor or psychologist at the Student Counseling Service, come to Henderson Hall. The Student Counseling HelpLine is also available around the clock to provide you information and support. Call them at 845-2700.

If you are a currently enrolled Texas A&M student, and would like to talk to someone further about the types of services available to international students, contact the Student Counseling Service, or come to Henderson Hall, Monday through Friday, between 8 am and 5 pm. The Student Counseling Service does not charge for any of its services.

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